I remember it like it was yesterday. That morning I woke up feeling my heart beating in my throat. Something was happening and I knew today would be the day, the day the truth would be revealed. The weeks leading up to this moment had been preparing me for today. I would have dream after dream of scenes playing out before me, but I wanted them to be just that, dreams.
It was much earlier than I thought, but I could not will myself to go back to sleep. Between the twisted knot in my stomach and the pounding rhythmic thump in the depth of my ear, I knew I had to get ready and go. So I wouldn’t seem like a mad woman, I made up an excuse in my mind, I was going to return some of his personal items. I got ready and got in my car and headed slowly across town. I so wanted to be wrong, I wanted this not to be real but the nudging in my heart told me differently. As I approached my destination I tried to avoid looking where I knew I’d see it, I wasn’t ready. But as I took that last corner, there it was in front of me. I recognized the make and model; I even drove up behind to look at the sticker and yes, the birthdate confirmed it. At that moment, the weight of everything around me filled my space. Every fear, disappointment and heartbreak from my past came rushing in at that moment and I was not sure who I was. I needed him to know I knew and that I was there. So, I took the box with his things and left them with the building security.
“I know, crazy right?”
I’m not sure how I did it but I drove to work sat at my desk and swallowed my tears, over and over again. I know it wasn’t finished yet; the conversation would come. I needed to hear the words, the confession that would confirm my pain. Well, I got what I asked for.
In that moment I was so lost, confused and broken there is no way I could remain where I was without my entire team hearing my anguish. I had to get out, I could not breakdown at my desk and let them see. But what should I do, where should I go? I didn’t want to speak to anyone, it would make it too real and embarrassing really. Should I just get in my car and drive? Inside I was so angry, because God I prayed and committed to a new path to you just weeks before, I was excited and hopeful and today it died, you let it die. So now where do I go?
I grabbed my bag quietly and made my way out of the building got in my car. Even as the car started moving, I wasn’t sure where I was going, but 5 mins later I was in my driveway. I quickly got out, ran up the stairs, opened the door and dropped everything (not sure I even locked the door). I made my way up the two flights of stairs, opened the door to my room and searched for a place to hide. In front of me was the refuge I sought, I opened the door to my closet fell on my face and wept, wept, wept. I heard the song echoing in my heart about the secret place and Jesus’ words that encouraged us to find our closet….I was in my closet broke, afraid and sad, I was in my closet wondering how do I move and survive this pain, I was in my closet and …..LOVE showed up, LOVE found me.
The words of these scriptures become real to me that day.
Proverbs 18: 10 The Name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous man runneth into it and is safe.
Psalms 139:7 – 8 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.